Maybe tomorrow, if I really concentrate, I can learn to microwave some pizza rolls.

I might be the biggest idiot on the face of the planet.

I should probably start at the beginning.

Yesterday I woke up to find that my post about The Elvis Costello Spinning Songbook show had been linked to/from the official Elvis Costello website!  You can  imagine how excited I was about this.  They had used large portion of my text (though strangely not the part about how fantastic I am) and several of my photos.  This was shaping up to be the best day ever!

Elvis Costello & This Is Some Life You've Got BFF 4evr!

Elvis Costello & This Is Some Life You've Got BFF 4evr!

They had included a link to the full post at the bottom of the page so some of the people who saw it on his site came here to visit my site.  I'm sure they thought something else interesting might be here and they were thoroughly mistaken, but they were here none the less.  So I checked my stat counter and it was at 322 page views for the day at 8:45 in the morning.  I know this isn't a really impressive number for most people, but it's approximately 318 more hits than I get for an entire day. I don't have many friends.

Unfortunately I had to go to work instead of basking all day in the glow of being an internet messiah.  Goddamnit. I know an opportunity for greatness if it is willing to hit me over the head and this one was!  So instead of doing a good job at work, all day long I schemed about how I could capitalize on my good fortune and keep some of my special new friends coming back.

One of my new friends that had originally alerted me to the fact that I was a part of the looming Elvis Costello Empire was, as it turns out, the husband of my favorite amateur go-go dancer from the concert.  He had found the blog, like a good husband would, by searching the internet for photos of his wife.  He saw that I had surreptitiously taken some photos at the show and was hoping that I might have one of her on stage that didn't get posted.  I did and would certainly contact him when I got home from work that night.

When I got home and eagerly logged in to the site my hopes of internet domination were crushed.  The goddamn Blogger system had gone all haywire and was offline!  OFF-FUCKING -LINE!  Apparently the folks at Blogger didn't care in any way that this was supposed to be my big day.  Goddamnit.  When I was finally able to check my stat counter the next morning, I had amassed a grand total of 327 page views.  For those of you that are mathematically challenged like myself, I've gotten out a calculator and done the math for you.  That's five more hits in twenty four hours.  FUCKING FIVE!  That is no where near nine katrillion! While still more than my usual daily total, it was more than a little disappointing.

Also, there would be no new flood of readers either.  By now Elvis had played a show in Los Angeles and there were all new posts on his website in the spot where mine used to be at the top of the page.  It was official, I was moldy old news.

And on top of that, all the comments that had been left previously that glorious day had been deleted by Blogger for some reason.  How am I supposed to feel loved without my comments section?

I still wanted to send the husband his photo, but I no longer had his comment to contact him. Luckily, this giant head of mine sometimes retains things besides alcohol.  I remembered a YouTube clip he had posted that I could use to contact him.  Or so I thought before I found out I was a moron.  I was at the goddamn YouTube site trying to leave him a message for more time than I care to admit.

First, I tried using my Blogger account and  they wanted me to activate my Google account, which I thought was the same fucking thing, but I did it anyway because I just want to be helpful.  After I did that, I was informed that I had to open a YouTube account or my head would be chopped off.  I'm not sure they actually said that, but they seemed fairly adamant.  I did that too, I think.

This seems excessive, even for me.

This seems excessive, even for me.

I seemed ready to leave my message so I typed it in to the comment box and hit post.  I got some 'pending approval' message, so I waited.  Nothing.  Maybe this is how they do it.  Maybe not.  I refreshed the page and my comment had disappeared, so I re-wrote it and published it again.  My browser window is still open and my 'pending approval' message is still there three hours later.

UPDATE: I refreshed the page and there are still NO comments from me.  Such an idiot.

I know that goddamn teenagers can use this motherfucker.  Why can't I figure out something that millions of dope smoking morons can manipulate with minimal effort?  My stupidity knows no bounds.  I just wanted to say thanks to the husband-guy for his comment and get him his picture.  Everyone would be happy!  That is apparently never going to happen.

Well if you've come back Husband-Guy, this is the photo that I have been trying in vain to get to you.  It's kind of blurry, but it's the best one that I have.

Now that this post is completed, I'm off to label everything in my apartment because in my fog of dismal stupidity I could quite possibly forget the intended use of common household items.